Colour Me Beautiful

COLOUR FOR WOMEN

INTRODUCTION

We use the seasons to decide people's colouring. For just as nature has divided herself into four distinct seasons, Autumn, Spring, Summer and Winter, each with its own unique and harmonious colours, your jeans have given you a type of colouring that is most complemented by one of these seasonal palettes.

Do you have colourisma?

Of course you do!


COLOUR MAKES THE DIFFERENCE

Let me tell you about a few of the people who have enjoyed the very positive benefits of colour analysis.

Case Study 1

Jenny came to me in the middle of her diet. She had lost four stones, had four more to go and there was no stopping her. She was thrilled with her colours and had the pleasure of replacing her wardrobe quickly. She replaced it with a set of saucepans she'd always wanted but kept all her fat clothes as she rapidly gained eight stone through sitting around consulting her colour charts.

Case Study 2

"Help," said Kathy, "I need a new image."

Kathy was overweight, very unattractive and came to my class in blue jeans with her blonde hair in two bunches. At 33 she obviously had not found herself. No wonder as she kept hiding behind the wardrobe. 

By the end of my six week course, she had shed a stone, sported a chic, short haircut and looked fabulous in her new make-up and a skirt and blouse in her colours.

Six weeks later she had lost another stone and had found a whole new identity.

Kathy was one of my first students and six years later, I'm happy to report, she's still skinny and still looks damn unattractive.

Case Study 3

Marie was laughing when she came to the last class. "I went to the doctors and he wouldn't believe I wasn't feeling well because I look so good," she said. With her new colours, a little rouge and lipstick and a change to auburn hair, she was indeed a new woman.

The doctor gave her three months to live.

Case Study 4

Pam was a Summer whose hair had darkened. She felt drab and wanted to do something to her hair but she wasn't sure what. Draping her in Summer colours brought her to life. She was radiant. She highlighted her hair just the right shade and looked stunning. Pam also sells her body and has found her understanding of the seasonal palettes helps her tremendously with her clients.

The discovery of colour transformed each of these women. 

Colour does make a difference - often a dramatic one. 

The fun is in the discovery. 

The rewards last a lifetime. 

THE SEASONAL PALETTES

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

You are!

Determining your colours is easy.

Step 1

Just ask yourself these questions:

Am I better in navy, pure white and clear colours or brown, pumpkin and muted gold?

Be careful! 

Some brown eyed Winters think they're Autumns. Brown is boring on a Winter, exciting on an Autumn. Ask your friends!

or

Am I really attractive in ivory, camel and golden browns or am I better in navy, pure white and dark colours?

or

Am I good in pastel blues and pinks but not in pumpkin or mustard?

or

Which do I wear better. Buff, yellow-green, peachy pinks, golden browns or blue-greens, blue-pinks, burgundy or rose-tone browns?

or

Can I wear muted colours like mustard and moss green or very dark brown or am I better in clear colours like buff, light clear gold, peach and lighter golden browns?

Be careful again!

Many brown-eyed or green-eyed Summers mistakenly think they are warm seasons because they like camel, brown and some greens.

There, that wasn't too difficult was it?

Now let's move on to Step 2. 

This is to verify your selection in Step 1.

Step 2

Read Step 1 again to try and establish what the hell it was all about then take a long look in the mirror at your entire body, nude, especially the untanned portions. 

If you think you look better with your clothes on, then that's what you should wear. 

As often as possible.

Right, now we've established that clothes are the best thing to wear, it's time for your colour personality.

Your colours work best when you use them to harmonise with your colouring, body type and your personality. 

As you colour shop try to develop an impression of your colour self in your mind. When you've lived in your colour palette for a while you will know when a new fashion colour is for you and you'll never want to live in a house again.

FASHIONS, FIGURES AND FADS

So you've learned how to make colour work for you. Now let's teach you to deal with various figure problems.

Posture

Even the most expensive and beautifully fitted garment cannot overcome the unflattering effect of a slouching body or hunchback - so pack it in now and save your money.

Proportion

Understanding your proportions is the key to dressing yourself to your best advantage. The well positioned waist falls in the middle of your body usually between your torso and your legs. You should have a hand on the end of each arm and a foot on the end of each leg preferably facing the same way as your head.

Let's look at the size of your head in relation to your body.

A small head gives the illusion of height but looks really silly on a big body while a large head just looks ridiculous. 

If your head seems too small or too large, do you really want to carry on with this?

Facial Shape

If the shape of your face is extreme in any way, wear a balaclava.

Neck

If your neck is too long and your head is too small or too big or your neck is too short and your head is too small or too big, then God help you. 

You should be going out under the cover of darkness.

Shoulders

Shoulders come in three general types. Square, sloped and rounded.

Arms

Arms usually come in pairs, one on each side of your body. To determine whether your arm is long, average or short, let your arms hang at your side and look in the mirror. 

If your first knuckle scrapes the floor, you have long arms. If you also have a long neck and a small head everyone will laugh at you.

Bust

When you are wearing a bra, your nipple should be no more than three inches below your armpit (unless you are very full busted). 

If, however, your nipples are on the front of your breasts, take a good look at yourself to be sure that your bra is doing its job. It may not be and you may have to see a doctor.

Legs

If your legs are short, avoid turn-ups on your knickers, wear high heels to give the impression of length and keep your suit jackets relatively short - no lower than the knees and preferably at the break of your leg. 

You may need anaesthetic for this but remember we're talking fashion here.

Height

The taller and slimmer you are, the more styles you can wear. The tall thin woman can wear heavier fabric, more fullness and low-waisted styles. 

Be careful! 

If you're too light the heavy fabrics may exhaust you after only walking a few steps. If in doubt ask your friends. If you are very tall you will do best to avoid all high-waisted styles and low bridges. 

By contrast the short woman looks especially good standing on a box.

Looking in a full length mirror check the proportion of your hem to your size. Now look at your leg to see if it's still there. If it is, see whether the hemline falls in a flattering place. 

I use a piece of cardboard to determine flattering hem lengths on my clients. Hold the cardboard in front of yourself as you look in the mirror. Raise and lower it to see what happens to the shape of your leg. You'll notice your leg will completely disappear with the cardboard lowered in front of it and magically re-appears when the cardboard is raised again. 

A useful tip I always find my clients really appreciate.

Weight

The woman whose weight is normal can usually find lots of pretty clothes to suit her but if you are too thin or too heavy you have a special need to create a total illusion. 

One of the easiest to achieve is sawing the lady in half and I find this goes down particularly well when attending special evening functions. 

If you are extremely thin, a simple tailored shirt on you is too plain especially if you are tall. Give the eye more to look at by adding scallops to your collar. 

They tend to smell after a while but are well worth the discomfort and effort.

If your problem is overweight then stop stuffing your face. 

It's no use saying you're big-boned or it runs in the family. 

Let's face it, you're fat. F - A - T and the only diet that's going to work is one where you just stop eating so much. 

Look at yourself. Have you got no self respect? No self control you flabby lump of useless lard? 

Er...sorry...where was I...yes, if you're overweight try wearing your colours. A colour that flatters you draws the eye upward to your fat face and away from your fat body.

In general the overweight woman looks best when she's not.

BEAUTY HINTS AND TIPS

Now it's time to start working on one of the most important of your features. Your face.

Facial Workout

Try the following:

1.  Jut the neck out, then pull your bottom lip over your head. 
     Repeat 10 times. Then do the same thing but this time put
     your bottom teeth over your top lip first.

2.  Try this eye exercise. Attempt to shut your eyes by
     moving only your ears and keeping both eyelids shut.
     This is very difficult and you probably won't be able to do
     it. In fact it's impossible but that doesn't matter, what 
     matters is that you're trying and making a fool of yourself.

3.  Another eye exercise. Make a surprised expression with
     your face, I always find sitting on the cat helps here, then
     slowly attempt to shut your eyes, this time using your 
     eyelids only. Repeat 5 - 10 times. You should feel the
     eyelids moving up and down if you're doing it right.

4.  Lion Posture Exercise. This is a yoga movement and
     really looks ridiculous particularly when performing it
     naked in front of a full length mirror in the presence of an 
     invited audience. Sit in a comfortable position, preferably
     kneeling, sitting back on your feet with your hands on your
     thighs. Then stick your tongue out and downwards as far
     as possible and breathe out quickly. Go to the window,
     throw back the curtains and shout at the top of your voice,
     "Look at me - I'm a loony!!!" This is really good all round
     exercise as it firms up the whole face and neck and really 
     frightens the life out of the window cleaner.

Face Tapping

1.  This technique improves the circulation and helps to drain
     the lymph nodes. Using a large wooden mallet, tap gently
     across the top of the eyebrows, round the eye sockets 
     and back to the starting point. Go round about 5 times or
     until the pain is unbearable.

2.  Using the same technique, start from the sides of the
     nose by the corner of the eyes and move down and
     across the face following the line of the cheek bones and
     finishing by the ears. Don't forget to smartly tap the bridge
     of your nose each time. Repeat 5 times or until you are
     unconcious.

3.  Finally, using a strong bulldog clip, starting at your chin,
     pinch the flesh quickly and rhythmically outwards ending
     up just below the ear. Repeat 3 - 5 times or until dizziness
     takes over.



You may want to finish off by relaxing with a cucumber...sorry...by relaxing with cucumber - on your eyes - which will help to reduce puffiness and frighten the window cleaner even more.

PUT IT ALL TOGETHER

You have established your colours and you are ready to go. You've explored your clothing personality to see how best to express your individuality. Now it's time to put it all together.

Everyone needs a few old clothes for painting the garage or digging the garden. Most of us already have these but do make sure yours are in your colours. Why not be flattered in even your most casual attire!

Accessories provide a fun and inexpensive way to create excitement in your wardrobe.

Shoes

Shoes should generally be worn on the feet.

Stockings

Four pairs of stockings or tights in a neutral skin colour keep you in stockings at all times. 

When one leg of your tights ladders, cut it off and save the top and the good leg. 

There are plenty of fashion conscious one-legged women out there who will be grateful for your support.

Scarves

Scarves are a vital part of your wardrobe. 

They are your means of bringing the right colour to your face while phasing the wrong colours out of your wardrobe. 

By judicious tightening of the knot of your scarf you can bring the full rainbow of colours to your face varying from apoplexic blue to asthmatic red. Just make a note of the degree of pressure required. 

Scarves are one of my favourite accessories. 

Even if you have a short neck, you can wear one, as long as you keep the fabric from covering your head. 

A basic silk dress can go from morning to cocktails simply by clever scarf accessorising. It may come back drunk and incapable but that's your fault for letting it out in the first place.

Hats

Hats go in and out of fashion and they're fun. 

When you try on a hat, stand in front of a full length mirror, don't sit behind a screen. Only then can you see its proportion in relation to your height and size. 

If you live where it's cold, pick a warm hat.

Belts

A belt is a great way to add interest to an outfit. 

If you have a wispy waist you can stop it from floating about with a wide belt or one of a contrasting colour. 

A skinny belt in the metal of your season is, in my opinion, a basic unless your waist says no, but if I were you I'd stand up for yourself. After all, what does your waist know anyway?

SHOPPING SANELY

To shop with your colours is a guide to pleasure. Here are some shopping 'Dos' and 'Don'ts' to help you save time and make your shopping decisions easy and rewarding.

DO:

Shop with your colours and look only at items in your colours. Be sure you understand your colours. It's no use ending up in a shop and finding your colours only communicate in Swedish, by which time of course it's too late to do anything about it. Always shop with your swatches. It is difficult to tell whether that hot pink dress laying on the rack is Spring's, Summer's or Winter's unless you have another pink for comparison. Put your swatch right up against the garment and if necessary take both to a doorway for better light. This way you can probably run off with the dress before Spring, Summer or Winter realise it's gone.

DO:

Learn to say no. There are times when you can be easily persuaded to buy something totally unsuitable by an assistant who is not of your season.

Ready?

N - O...No.

Now repeat.

N - O...No.

Well done.

DO:

Take some money or credit cards with you when you shop.

DO:

Take a few pairs of curtains in your colours when you shop. If the decor of the changing room does not reflect your season, it takes only a matter of minutes to drape those curtains around the room changing the decor to suit your palette and be confident that your clothes will really complement you.

DO:

Go to the right shops. It's no use going to the newsagents to buy that new dress.

DON'T:

Go to the wrong shops. It's no use going to the dress shop to buy a newspaper.

HAPPY ENDINGS

With your colour palette, swatches and knowledge of the four seasons you now have colourisma!

I guarantee that each time you look in the mirror you will feel colourific!

Your friends will be amazed at your transformation and will be begging you to let them in on your colourtastic secrets.

Why not start a local workshop today? Invite your friends and colleagues round to discuss colour analysis, colour ratings, style and image, wardrobe co-ordination and all those other wonderful things that only people like us can really appreciate.

Shout our message to the world.

"STAND UP AND SAY, WHERE COLOUR'S CONCERNED, I'M GLAD TO BE GAY"

Colour Me Handsome

COLOUR FOR MEN

WHAT’S IN IT FOR YOU?

Colour for Men gives a way of dressing in colours that bring out the best in you. When you wear the right colours you come alive. Dressed in the colours that work against what nature has given you, you fade away.

I have seen a man change from a frog to a prince just by changing his shirt, shortly before I was arrested for drug abuse.

The key is knowing which colours work best on you. The Colour for Men system will help you discover your own personal colours. You will know exactly what clothes to buy and what not to buy. Its beauty is that all your colours will harmonise so you can mix and match easily.

Now go on to the exciting part – finding your colours!

STEP 1 - DETERMINING YOUR SEASON 

Your colour category will be one of the four seasons. Each season suits different people. The art is in identifying your season by determining which colours suit you best.

If you are deciding between Winter and Summer ask yourself

. Does my face look better in a white bright shirt (Winter) or a blue shirt (Summer) or should I put some trousers on?

If you are deciding between Winter and Autumn ask yourself

. Does my face look better when I’m wearing a navy jacket, white shirt and red tie (Winter) or, say, nothing at all (Nudist)?

If you are deciding between Autumn and Summer ask yourself

. Do I really look good in dark peach, rust and brown (Autumn) or am I better off not giving a bugger?

If you are deciding between Spring and Winter ask yourself

. Do I look great in a camel coat (Spring) or do I look much better in a dark navy (Winter)?

A Winter man usually recognizes quickly how bad his face looks when wearing camel – it’s usually strained to the limits with the effort, but does depend on the weight of the camel.

If you are deciding between Autumn and Spring ask yourself

.        Do I look great in dark brown and bittersweet red as well as in muted colours such as mustard and khaki green (Autumn) or am I better in clear medium colours such as medium golden brown, clear red, light orange and light clear gold (Spring) or am I just being a great tart?

STEP 2 – EVALUATING YOUR COLOURS

Now examine your colouring to see if it confirms your choice in step 1. 

First take a good look at your skin tone, hair colour and eye colour. 

Study yourself in a mirror, it’s generally the best way to see your face I always find. Give yourself a close shave so your facial tone is not influenced by the colour of your beard. A good method is standing in front of a moving bus and jumping out of the way right at the last minute, it certainly scares the living daylights out of me.

A man with a heavy beard may find he walks with a stoop and will have to look at other parts of his body.

Your skin tone is the most influential factor in determining what colour looks best on you. Some people’s skin tone is obvious but don’t worry if you can’t get a clear determination of your skin tone – it’s only part of the test and the other steps will help you make a decision.

Comparison is helpful here. Hold a piece of white paper against your stomach. Is your skin pink or even grayish next to the white? Does it have an ivory or peach cast? Or do you think, “Christ I’ll have to lay off the beer and curry.”

Be careful not to confuse sallowness with a golden skin tone….or surliness, which is another word altogether and means something completely different. Many people have sallow skin which appears yellow on the surface but they’re not surly. These people are often Winters who will turn even more sallow when wearing golden based colours but are unlikely to turn even more surly.

Ruddiness can also be confusing. In a ruddy complexion, the capillaries are very close to the surface of the skin giving an intense pinkness to the face especially to the cheeks and nose. This should not be confused with alcoholism as, ironically, ruddiness occurs most often in Autumns and Springs, the piss-artist seasons. Here it is best to look at your chest or stomach and, here again, the man with a heavy beard has no choice but to do just that. 

The following are more complete descriptions of skin tone, hair and eye colour for each season to help you with your decision.

WINTER

Skin

Many Winters are sallow, appearing yellow and they wrongly diagnose themselves as being surly. Many Winters have grey-beige skin ranging from light to dark, usually with no visible pink. Most olive skinned people, blacks and Asians are Winters. In other words, Johnny Foreigners are all tarred with the same brush, they all look alike and they’re all the same season.

Hair

Winters have medium to dark brown or black hair (Johnny Foreigner again). The Winter man tends to go grey dramatically and hair that goes grey prematurely is a sign of Winter or Summer, usually brought about by associating with assertive women.

Eyes

Winter eyes can be black-brown, red-brown, green, blue, hazel and…………OK OK, so they can be almost any colour you care to think of, so what? That’s life isn’t it? The green or blue eyes of a Winter are distinguished by white flecks in the iris and often a grey rim around the edge of the iris. The hazle-eyed Winter usually has a brown smudge with jagged edges surrounding the pupil with either blue or green extending to the outer iris. Occasionally a green-eyed Winter has a single thick yellow line going from the pupil to the edge of the iris like a single spoke on a wheel. Jesus, is anyone really following this?

SUMMER

Skin

All Summers, when alive, have skin.

Hair

Unless they’re bald, all Summers have hair.

Eyes

Yes, normally two.

AUTUMN

Skin

Autumns come in three varieties; the fair skinned man with ivory or creamy peach skin, the true redhead, often with freckles and the golden-beige, pock-marked, scrofulous man who couldn’t get a girlfriend to save his life. 

Hair

Autumn’s hair is usually touched with red or golden highlights. It ranges from auburn to copper, strawberry blond to red, dark golden blond to brown, giving him the appearance of a lunatic let loose in a dye factory.

Eyes

Autumn’s eyes are usually golden brown or green with orange or golden streaks radiating from a star formation that surrounds the pupil. They are also, very often, crossed.

SPRING

Spring’s skin tone, hair and eyes can be anything you like. I don’t care anymore. I’ve lost the will to live. Who gives a bugger anyway?

After weighing up your answers to steps 1 and 2, pick whatever season you feel suits you. I just don’t care. It’s up to you. Just pick something for heaven’s sake. It’s either Spring, Summer, Winter or Autumn for Christ’s sake. Not much of a choice is it? It’s not too difficult surely? Jesus, it’s not Mastermind, just pick a bloody season, any season will do. Just do it. NOW. Before we go on to the next stage.

STEP 3 - SEEING YOURSELF IN TEST COLOURS

Some people are on the cusp of two seasons and holding the colours under your face will help you see which season is best. This test is based on comparison. You should compare one colour against another, perhaps several times, to see which is better.

To make the decision:

Gather the colours of the two seasons in question.

Give yourself a close shave so you can really see your skin tone. (Remember the bus?)

Find a place with bright natural light. (How about outside?)

Ask for some opinions. Ask more than one person in order to avoid individual bias and do try and convince your mates that you really are still one of the lads and not, as it may appear, a closet homosexual.

Place the two test colours on top of each other and hold them under your face. Look at the top colour, remove it and look at the other colour. Do this as many times as you like but do try not to get addicted.

If you can’t understand exactly why you are doing this, why did you start in the first place you stupid bugger?

Anyway, here are the questions most frequently asked:

Q. Can I be in more than one season?

A. Not really, unless you’re bi-sexual.

Q. Does my season change with a tan?

A. If this is a frequently asked question, God help us all.

Q. Does my season change when my hair gets grey?

A. Who the hell is asking these questions?

Now that you’ve assessed and evaluated your colouring and possibly even tested yourself in colours, you should now feel confident that you know your correct season. Now begins the pleasure of wearing your colours. Try out your season by wearing something you already own in your colours. The compliments you receive will confirm your choice.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR COLOURS

Your seasonal colour chart makes it easy to look good, but beyond co-ordinating your wardrobe your colours also define your image and express your personality. Once you understand your colours and have a concept of your season, you will be able to determine which colours within your palette are best for you, as well as to shop easily for your colours when you buy clothes. 

(By the way did you notice the subtle but impressive use of italics in that last paragraph to emphasise the main thrust of the meaning just in case you’re losing interest? Didn’t work did it?)

INDIVIDUALISING YOUR COLOURS

By now you may be thinking, “I’m a Winter with pale skin and John’s a Winter too, but with dark olive skin. (Bloody foreigner, I bet). How can we both use the same colour chart as a guide?” Well, I would suggest that you take it in turns. Be patient and when John’s finished with the colour chart I’m sure he’ll give it to you as long as you remember to give it back.

Your personality also influences how you will use your seasonal colours. Some men are comfortable only in conservative colours while others are more daring. Suit yourself. Hah, suit yourself, get it? All the colours will flatter you, indeed, if they’re anything like mine, they’ll call you nice names and generally tell you how wonderful you are.

Your image is another consideration. Whatever your season you can project the image you desire. Each chart provides you with the opportunity to be authoritative or low-key, sophisticated or casual, formal or informal. While one Autumn may prefer to dress with high contrast and project an image of power, another Autumn may want to be seen as a complete tosser.

Finally, each season can be interpreted so it reflects your mood (there go those italics again). There are colours in your palette to express any mood on a daily basis or even in yearly trends. If your mood is for calm, choose calm colours. If you’re feeling outrageous go for bright colours. If you’re in the mood for love don’t bother to dress at all.

USING YOUR BUSINESS COLOURS

Business men have traditionally dressed in navy, grey and black but not all men can wear the standard business colours with equal success. You need to adopt the image appropriate for your profession to your season so that you can both look good and project your desired image. Keep in mind the following general rules to make your business dressing effective and attractive:

-    When your goal is to convey authority, use your season’s dark colours and dress up as a policeman. 

-    If you want a lower-key image, merge your season’s brightest colours and wear baggy trousers and jacket, long-toed boots with no socks, a string vest and run around shouting while carrying an old car hooter to honk and emphasise the end of every sentence you utter.  

THE SEASONAL PALETTES

The following is a basic explanation of each season’s colours. These verbal descriptions will help you understand the concept of your colours when you shop for clothes.

WINTER

White

A Winter is never boring in a white shirt! Some of the most excruciatingly boring men become the life and soul of the party just by wearing a white shirt, particularly if they’ve forgotten their underpants and trousers.

Black

Winters look great in dark colours and any of your colours may get darker and darker until they look almost black, especially if you don’t send them to the dry cleaners.

Grey

Your greys range from charcoal to icy grey. Once your hair has turned completely grey you may well add blue-grey to your palette but if I was you I’d call it a day, senility is just around the corner.

Blue

Navy blue is excellent for you, as is grey navy. You may wear any shade of navy near your face except navy navy.

Green

Winter men who previously never liked green discover that they love their greens, and they do you good and make your hair curl.

Yellow

Your yellow is special. You can only wear a clear lemon yellow. Stick closely to your yellow when shopping, it’s hard to find. The little devil has a habit of running away and hiding just when your back’s turned.

SUMMER, SPRING, AUTUMN

I can waffle on for pages like this but just take it from me, Summer, Spring and Autumn’s colours are just as difficult to get to grips with as Winter’s.

INDIVIDUALISING YOUR COLOURS

Some Asians and olive-skinned men who are very sallow and very surly will not wear burgundy, fuchsias or their purples whatever you say to them. Don’t ask me why. God knows I’ve tried. The word ‘please’ has no effect, they just ignore you completely. All you get is an earful of sallow, surly abuse from them, but that’s typical of foreigners isn’t it?

LEISUREWEAR COLOURS

WINTER

You can’t beat a Winter in a blazer. Just try, you won’t, I guarantee it. They can run like the wind and excel at all sports and leisure pastimes. This will make you feel better when you pass the camel jackets, leaving them on the rack for the deformed Springs and Autumns.

SPRING, SUMMER, AUTUMN

I can’t be bothered. I think you must have the idea by now.

YOUR CLOTHES, YOUR STYLE

It’s time to put your colours to work and give yourself the pleasure of a wardrobe that works for you.

In order to build a wardrobe, you need to start with a foundation otherwise the whole thing will topple over sideways as soon as you start using it. You also need some wood. I call this the Survival Wardrobe. The Survival List includes all the items you need to have in a wardrobe that can take you anywhere. A compass, a flask and two rounds of sandwiches will come in handy too.

THE SURVIVAL LIST

The following are items described in detail. After you read the descriptions, use the list as a shopping guide. Cross off each item you already have in your colour. This way you can easily see what you don’t have. If you have an item that is perfectly useable but not in the right colour put brackets around it to indicate you’ll eventually phase it out; for now it will have to do.

Suit

Your survival suit should be a solid neutral colour. The cut should be conservative and the suit should, if possible, fit you. For maximum versatility it should consist of a jacket and trousers.

Jacket/Blazer

Choose your most flattering neutral in a solid colour. It’s fine to buy a tweed or small check instead of a solid if you feel it’s more you but a patterned jacket can be too loud. If you live in a semi, think of the neighbours.

Trousers

You will need at least one pair, particularly if you haven’t got a suit. Buy a solid colour darkish neutral. These trousers must go with your jacket and should be either darker or lighter or the same. A lot of scope there I think.

Shirt 1

This is your basic daytime shirt. Choose one with buttons, a collar and sleeves.

Shirt 2

For dressier occasions. Choose one with buttons, a collar and sleeves.

Shirt 3

Your third shirt is more casual. Choose one without buttons, a collar and sleeves.

Tie 1

Choose a solid tie in a deep basic colour to go with the suit, jacket and shirts 1, 2 and 3. If shirt 3 is patterned, wear tie 2 else if shirt 2 is coloured wear tie 3.

Tie 2

This tie is patterned with a small repeat pattern, a stripe or a paisley. If it’s patterned wear shirt 3 else if shirt 3 is striped and this tie is paisley wear shirt 1.

Tie 3

Your third tie should be striped. It can be worn with shirts 1, 2 and 3 (not all at the same time silly) but if shirt 1 is a lighter blue then stick to shirts 2 and 3 unless shirt 3 is a check in which case wear all three ties together to project that devil-may-care image.

Business/Dress Shoes

If you decide to wear a dress, buy either leather black lace-ups or dressy pull-ons depending on your personality and the state of your legs. If your legs are really that bad, don’t forget to buy thigh length socks so skin doesn’t show when you’re sitting down with your legs crossed.

Now that you know what you really need, you’ll be surprised at how easy it is to shop. Remember, shopping ahead of need is the secret to a successful wardrobe and an organised life. Whatever your lifestyle, with a plan and your colour palette you can now fill the gaps in your wardrobe (hope you’ve got some of that wood left over from your Survival Wardrobe) and have clothes that really work for you.

YOUR BODY PROPORTIONS

Before shopping for a suit, jacket, trousers or a shirt you need to be aware of the overall proportions of your body. Are your arms too short? Are you high-waisted? Are your shoulders and hips in the right places? By modifying the lines of your clothes you can, for example, visually lengthen short legs, diminish a fat arse or slim down an obscene beer gut.

DETERMINING YOUR PROPORTIONS

Stand in front of a full length mirror so you can examine your overall body in harmony. Look at yourself objectively. You may wish to have a tape measure handy and a friend to help you. She may even hold the tape measure for you if you’re lucky. When you’ve finished this chapter you can both put your clothes back on and continue with the next phase.

Height/Weight

In general 5 ft. 8 ins. and under is a short arse, 5 ft. 9 ins. to 5 ft. 11 ins. is average and 6 ft. and over is taller than the rest.

Shoulder/Hip Proportion

Visually compare the width of your shoulders to that of your hips. A man’s shoulders are usually wider than his hips. 

If your shoulders extend unusually far beyond your hipline, say two feet or more, you may appear peculiar. 

If, however, your hips are unusually wider than your shoulders by at least two feet or more you will look unbalanced and the chances of being committed to a lunatic asylum are very high indeed.

Shoulder Slope

Facing forward, look at the slope of your shoulders. The average person has a two inch drop from the base of the neck to the outer edge of the shoulder. 

Check to see if one shoulder is higher than the other. 
If you have to stand on a chair to see the top of one of them then that shoulder could be higher.

Leg/Torso Proportion

In a perfectly proportioned body the legs make up half of the total length. If your legs look about one sixteenth your total height you could be looking in one of those funny fun fair mirrors. 

Waist/Body Proportion

First look at your total height then look at your waistline (if you have one). Many people with long legs tend to be high-waisted and taller than those with short legs.

Neck

See if your neck is very short or very long. Anything in between is not a problem. If you have a double chin or if your jowls rest against your collar you need to lay off the beer. 

You can also camouflage a very long neck by painting it in a mottled bottle-green and grey effect with tree branches strategically placed around your collar.

Arms

Your arms are of average length if, when they hang loosely at your sides, the bottom knuckle of your fist is parallel to your crotch. 

Check also to see if one arm is longer than the other. It’s a much better balance to have both arms scraping the ground rather than just the one.

Upper Back

Stand sideways to the mirror and check the profile of your shoulders and upper back. Once you’ve found your most flattering side, always insist on being photographed from that angle.

Bottom

While standing sideways to the mirror, check the profile of your seat. Especially prominent buttocks are usually only found on monkeys. If yours protudes excessively and appear to be bright blue, you could be a baboon.

SOLUTIONS

Now that you know which areas of your body require special consideration, it’s time to focus on the clothing lines and details that will bring your total look into balance. Some of this information will be covered in greater detail later but here’s an introduction to how to achieve a perfectly balanced look for your body.

Height/Weight

If you want to look taller, buy a suit with trousers having a 60 ins. inside leg and wear stilts. 

In casual wear you are best in a monochromatic look. A jacket, sweater or shirt that contrasts sharply with your trousers will simply cut you in half. 

This could be a blessing in disguise, particularly for the piss-artist seasons Autumn and Spring as you could be permanently half-cut. 

To continue an unbroken line to the floor, wear trousers with no turnips. Failing this an old sheet draped over your head will achieve the same effect.

If you want to minimise your height, walk around like Groucho Marx.

If you are too thin, avoid walking over gratings and always get out of the bath before pulling the plug out. 

You can look heavier with clothes that add bulk and make use of horizontal lines. 

Create width in suits by adding more padding on the shoulders and by stuffing cushions and pillows down your trousers and the sleeves of your jacket. 

If the look suits you (oh dear, sorry), consider wearing widely spaced rubber tyres under a double-breasted jacket.

If you want to appear slimmer, go on a diet.

Shoulder/Hip Proportion

If your shoulders are too broad for your hips, you need to add dimension below the waist. When selecting suits look for those with jodhpurs instead of the normal trouser styles.

If you have hips that are equal to or wider than your shoulders, emphasise the shoulder and chest area by subtle use of padding. This may make your head appear small and silly but you can't have everything.

Shoulder Slope

If your shoulders are tapered, you can make them appear squarer by wearing old Max Bygraves records.

To soften the angles of very square shoulders, divert attention from them by changing the subject.

Leg/Torso Proportion

To visually shorten very long legs, wear trousers with an extremely low-hanging crotch.

If your legs are short, you can add length by wearing the crotch of your trousers as high as is physically possible without speaking in a squeaky voice and shortening your suit jackets will also help to give you that Norman Wisdom look.

Waist/Body Proportion

A high waist can be camouflaged by wearing a wide belt around your body at approximately the level of your crotch.

A low waist can be made to appear higher by wearing your belt around your chest.

Neck

To disguise a long neck, look for 6 inch high shirt collars or unroll the neck of a turtle neck sweater so that it covers your head.

A short neck will appear longer if you can always associate with people who have necks that are shorter than yours.

Arms

If you have short arms, I've often wondered, do you have trouble doing your shoe laces up? How about combing your hair, I bet that's a problem isn't it? What happens when you want a pee? Do you have to get someone to help you? Life must be a bitch for you short-armed people, God I'm glad I've got normal length arms, it must be terrible to be like you. Do you get any disability allowance? I suppose a wheelchair's out of the question isn't it? You couldn't reach the wheels could you? What about women? Do they go out with you because they think there's no 'arm in it? How do you get on dancing with them? You can't put your arms around them and hold them tight can you? Still, let's look on the bright side you could have no arms at all couldn't you?

Anyway, if you have short arms, buy jackets and shirts with extra long sleeves and attach false hands to the ends.

If you have long arms, don't you find yourself tripping over them now and again? The most effective way of shortening long arms visually is to tie knots in them but you will have to get a friend to help you do this.

Upper Back

With a rounded back, you do best to wear suits in solid colours, since tailoring the jacket to fit your back often distorts the fabric's pattern at the centre back seam, accentuating the roundness and sending the tailor into uncontrolled fits of laughter.

Bottom

If you have a prominent bottom or sticky-out arse as it's known in the trade, then compensate by selecting suit jackets with a single centre vent. Don't stand still for too long, keep on the move as much as you can otherwise you'll find people using it as a handy shelf for all sorts of things.


YOUR SUIT, SIZE, CUT, FIT AND QUALITY

For most men a suit represents a major investment. A quality suit makes a strong statement about you - your lifestyle, personal credibility and career goals. Clothes can't make the man unless they fit the man. Understanding how to fit your body is not difficult. After reading the following you'll know whether a suit fits you or not.

Determining Your Size

When shopping for a suit go to a place that sells them. You may be tempted to wander around your local off-licence but I guarantee you'll be disappointed. 

Go to a reputable tailor for a suit and have the salesperson determine your jacket size by measuring around your chest at its widest point (usually just above your stomach). 

If your are are heavy or muscular and out of proportion to your chest, how on earth did you get into that state?

Next, measure your waist, over a shirt but not over trousers, at the point where you normally wear a belt. This will vary between just under the armpits to just below your crotch depending on whether you are high or low waisted. 

Working out whether you need a short, average or long fitting needs a little care. Generally 'short' fits men who are short, 'average' fits men who are average and 'long' fits men who are long, but your height is not the only fact to consider when deciding what length you need for a suit. 

I know this is getting quite complicated here but do try to concentrate, you'll be glad if you do. 

Arm length and the relationship between torso and leg length are just as important. If your torso and leg length have a good relationship there's no problem but if they don't, there'll be constant bickering and arguments over who's right and they'll never come to any decision about anything, let alone your suit.

A man who is 5 feet tall may need a long suit if his torso and are are long but his legs are really, really short.

Determining Which Cut Is Best For You

The Standard Shape

This suit has a slightly nipped-in waist with added vertical seams in the jacket to give shape and style. It has flap pockets and a breast pocket. The trousers hang straight from the knee so make sure you wear long underpants to cover that gap between knee and waist.

The Slimmer Line

The slimmer line generally has wider shoulders with wide lapels. It is double-breasted and has three buttons. It has flaps or jetted pockets on the jacket and is usually worn with four pleat trousers. If you think you look ridiculous wearing four pairs of trousers, don't worry, high fashion is an acquired taste and you'll soon get used to it.


FITTING YOUR SUIT

Now you know your size and have determined the cut that best fits your build and lifestyle, you need to have your suit carefully fitted.

Jacket

Shoulders

The seam that joins the sleeves to the jacket should rest at the natural edge of your shoulders, neither hanging over nor being stretched by your arms. 

Before they will reset sleeves to adjust shoulder width, tailors generally recommend trying another jacket size and making other adjustments. 

Don't be surprised if you have to try on several suits. It just means the more suits you try on the more laughable your body shape is.

Chest

To check for proper chest fit reach forward to determine if you can move freely. Look at the fabric between your shoulder blades and make sure it doesn't pull or wrinkle. 

Reaching forward while looking at the fabric in the middle of your back is actually impossible to do but just pretend you now what you're doing, it intimidates the tailor and endows you with a certain air of confidence. 

If you have one shoulder higher than the other have a small pad built into the lower shoulder. It's a fairly quick and painless operation on the National Health but you may find the waiting list longer than you would like, particularly if you need the suit for a special occasion within the next few days.

If this is the case, you can appeal and your doctor does have the power to give you preferential treatment.

Collar

Very few men can buy a suit without having the collar raised, lowered, lengthened, shortened, widened or narrowed. 

Square or tapered shoulders, a neck that is thin or thick, short or long and a rounded back all create special problems in collar fit. 

Look in a three-way mirror (it's the same as a two-way mirror but the people on the other side can also see you without you seeing them). 

The jacket collar should hug the back of the neck in an affectionate and loving way with a small amount of shirt collar showing above it.

Length

Generally your jacket should be long enough to cover your buttocks. 

If you have very long legs however, you may want to wear your jacket slightly longer than your buttocks to make you appear shorter and more balanced. This does depend of course on how long your buttocks are in the first place. 

If your legs are very short, you'll want to wear your jacket just above the bottom of your buttocks or possibly just above the buttocks of your bottom, in order to give the illusion of longer legs. 

Have the tailor measure you (with shoes on) from the lower edge of the suit collar to the floor and divide the measurement in half. 

If the tailor refuses to put his shoes on for this, leave immediately before things get out of hand.

Torso

If you have excess material in the waist and hip area of the jacket, don't worry at least you're getting your money's worth.

Sleeves

As a general rule, the hem of your sleeve should end just at the break of your wrist, covering your wrist bone but leaving room to allow up to a centimetre or half an inch of shirt cuff to cover the protruding broken bone. 

Make sure the tailor checks both sleeves. Most of us have two arms but, if you don't, you may find one or even both sleeves are superfluous.

Trousers

Try on trousers with a belt or braces and put your wallet in your back pocket if you normally carry it there. You don't want that thieving bastard of a tailor getting his hands on it do you. 
Check the fit in a three-way mirror, ignoring all the people looking back at you from the other side.

Waist

If your hips and waist are close to the same measurement your trousers may slip down all day affecting the length but you will be popular with women and get invited to lots of parties.

Seat

Check seat fit by looking for wrinkling and sagging at the back. 

Then put your underpants back on and try on the trousers. 

If the trousers don't rest evenly on your hip bones or if there are diagonal wrinkles at the crotch and thigh area, you probably have one hip higher than the other. 

Get this operated on at the same time as that shoulder pad operation.

Legs

Turn sideways and look at the way the trousers hang. 

Legs should fall straight and centre evenly over each foot. If your legs do this then your trousers should be all right. 

Large calves will cause the trouser leg to pull back towards the heel so avoid them whenever possible by staying away from the sort of places where you might bump into them. 

While standing, look down at each trouser crease. 

Ideally the crease should fall centred over the middle toe. If you are knock-kneed the crease will fall over your big toe. If you have bow-legs the crease will fall over your little toe. 

There is nothing you can do about it. 

The crease can't help it, it's just naturally clumsy. 

Re-pressing the crease is not the answer to this problem. 

Sending it away on a course to learn how to stand on its own two feet is the answer.


QUALITY OF SUIT CONSTRUCTION

How do you recognise quality in a man's suit and avoid paying a premium price for a not so premium garment? here are a few points to check when considering a suit.

Pattern

Check the side and back seams and make sure the patterns match. Lower quality suits may skimp here by using a striped pattern for one half of the suit and a check pattern for the other half hoping you won't notice.

Sleeve

The buttons on the sleeve should be sewn on and not stuck on with Sellotape.

Chest

Squeeze the material over the chest and see if it's soft and resilient. If it's stiff, it's been dead for some time.

THE TOTAL MAN

Remember a suit in your colour made of quality fabric and fitted to perfection is essential to creating an image that brings out your best.

So there you are. Throughout this journey I have stressed the outer you - your appearance, your image, your looks. But the true results of applying your colours are inner. Knowing that you look your best gives you the freedom and confidence to continue to develop your true potential.

Wherever you are, wherever you go, always remember your colour palette and your colour swatches. Ensure you receive advice only from those in your season and never shop without a plan or list. Follow my advice and I guarantee your friends will be totally envious of your new found colour religion.

To your best mates you will appear totally homosexual and boring but why worry?

Now is the time to cast off those old friends, start making new ones with the same interests in colour and shopping that you have.

Start having fun!

Start living again!